TA chapter 83 - caution and pride

-Percy-

“Is this ok?” Emmi asks gently, his fingertips lightly pressing against my waist. This isn’t the first time we’ve attempted to have sex since I was assaulted, but no matter how many times we are successful, my mate is always careful and slow

It took me a while to be comfortable again, but we got there eventually. And now, I am able to just enjoy my time with Emmi. Well. Mostly just enjoy my time with Emmi. I still get triggered sometimes, as I most likely always will, for the rest of my life.

But for the most part, I’m alright. I’m so used to Emmi’s touch by now, and he deliberately talks to me, about anything really. It’s just so that I stay focused on him, rather than getting caught up in my mind.

It helps; it definitely helps.

“Yes,” I say quietly, stealing another kiss from Emmi’s lips. He grins, his fingers coasting up my neck and stroking along my jaw. Pushing up against him, I groan into Emmi’s mouth, glad of any friction that I can get.

I’m already aching for him, just waiting here patiently whilst my mate takes his time, being ever careful and cautious. Obviously, he does that so as to make sure that I’m comfortable. But I also know that he acts this way in order to make me wait for him, just because he likes to see me really want him.

It’s complete bullshit; I always want him.

But if it makes him happy to do such a simple thing as being courteous to me, then of course I have no objections.

Emmi pushes me backwards into the pillows gently, my head cushioned securely so that I don’t hurt my neck from being at a janky angle. Emmi and I still don’t share a room; we only sleep in the same bed after we’ve had sex, or if we are cuddling and then fall asleep.

Technically, I think that we could share a room at this point; we’re used to each other and another year of therapy has definitely helped us both. But to be honest…we just like our separate rooms. It’s how things used to be, before we moved to this pack.

So whilst Xabien’s pack has the space, we have our own rooms, but we have both agreed with each other that if someone ever needs one of our rooms, then we’ll move back in with each other.

“Are you sure?” Emmi mumbles against my ear, his breath coasting across my skin. Nodding, I snake my fingers up into his hair. “I am, yes. Are you sure?” I check, nipping at his bottom lip whilst Emmi smiles into the kiss, his lips soft against mine.

“Yes.”

Something that I struggled with a lot was the phrase ‘good boy’. Before, I loved whenever Emmi said it - always unknowingly on his part, he never realised about my praise kink, because I swore to myself that I would never tell anyone.

And then Marcus said those words to me, right before he sexually assaulted me.

I never thought that I would be able to hear those words and not feel disgusted. I thought that that was yet another thing which Marcus had ruined for me. But in the end, I told Emmi the truth. I told him that I had liked those words, and that Marcus had then used them against me.

And so we started reclaiming them instead. Emmi doesn’t use them a lot; they can still trigger me, but at least- at least it’s not 100% of the time, like it used to be. Now, it’s around a 40% chance that I’ll have a negative reaction to those words.

So that leave 60% for a possible positive reaction. I’ll take those odds.

But not right now. Right now, I’m having a very nice time, and so I’d rather not take those odds. I’d hate to have another moment where Emmi and I are really getting into it and then when I ask him to say the words, he does and I instantly freeze up, ruining everything.

Obviously, Emmi doesn’t see it that way - he would never think that I ruined the moment. But I know that I ruined things, definitely for me at least anyway.

So for tonight, we’ll just do things how we always have; Emmi and I have sex whilst he tries his best to talk to me, in order to keep me in the moment. It doesn’t really work though, and ends up with us both just breathing heavily and letting out some rather…questionable sounds.

But that’s alright, because although I’m listening to our sounds, I also have a lot of other things on my mind. Things like what’s happening right now, what Emmi is doing to me. Things like how good I’m feeling, and now adorable he looks.

The thing is, Emmi is hot. He’s hot, he’s sexy, and he’s very attractive, yes. But he’s also just so cute and adorable, especially with how caring and gentle and sweet he always is.

Of course, he would give me a ridiculous look if I told him that. He would remind me that he’s just an angry guy, but I genuinely don’t remember the last time he was actually angry. He gets pissed off at things all the time (and by things I actually just mean Robin and how they always gush about Riley), but Emmi doesn’t get angry the way he used to.

Emmanuel has come a really long way.

He has made a lot of progress.

And I couldn’t be more proud of him.

In the end, we both just needed time. Time to make this progress, time to heal. And with each other, we found that time.