TA chapter 19 - shame

-Emmanuel-

“If you’re looking for Percy, he went to bed early,” Keye explains as I walk past her in the direction of Percy’s room. “Huh? It’s like…8pm though. Is he ok?” I ask; I’ve been focusing on taking care of myself properly since I passed out, and I have been feeling a bit better these past few days, but if something is wrong with Percy-

“He seemed pretty tired today. I think he’s fine, although he did mention something about his leg hurting.”

I want to go check on him. But would he already be asleep? I might as well check.

Thanking Keye, I head to Percy’s room and knock on the door. When there’s no response, I conclude that he must be asleep and instead turn around to leave. And then the door creaks open behind me.

“Emmi?”

I was fully not prepared for the sight I got: Percy, standing there with his hair down, skating across his shoulders and falling down his chest which is very much bare - and there are definitely some visible scars which hadn’t been there when we mated.

But my gaze doesn’t even linger on Percy’s scars - I’m too busy checking him out, to be honest. He actually has trousers on this time (absolute shocker, I swear he sheds his trousers every chance he gets), probably because it seems like his prosthetic is attached, based on how he’s standing.

I try not to stare too intently at Percy’s abs, or his pecs, or any other part of his chest- I fail miserably, and only manage to stop staring at his body when Percy pointedly clears his throat.

“I’m assuming you came here for a reason?” He asks, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow, a playful smile crossing his lips. I cough awkwardly a few times, before nodding. “Yeah I uh…wanted to check you out. I mean check on you. Keye said your leg was hurting? Is everything ok?”

Percy’s smile turns warm as he shrugs slightly, a lock of hair which was lodged on his shoulder sent cascading down his chest.

“It’s nothing I’m not used to. Unfortunately though, the mechanic who made this prosthetic wasn’t the most high-tech, and the port is uncomfortable. I plan on getting it redone at some point, but things have just been so…busy.”

I nod, hovering awkwardly by the door, not wanting to just invite myself in to Percy’s room, but also feeling awkward just standing in the hall. “Well…I know we’re trying to get you set up on the luna stuff, but why don’t we sort you out a new leg? That sounds way more important, I’ll be honest.”

Percy blinks in surprise a few times before smiling slightly. “Thanks, that would be…that would be great.”

—————

In the end, I didn’t ask Percy my question. I thought that it was probably better to just let him get to bed rather than quizzing him on anything else, especially because it would most likely turn into a serious conversation.

So I set myself a reminder to look into prosthetics…although I don’t even know where to begin…it’s fine. I can ask Percy about it; we can look together.

And then something very awkward happens.

I go to bed and fall asleep like normal. Except I have a sex dream. Something I haven’t had in literally years. And most embarrassing of all, is the fact that I wake up and I’m still hard.

And then I do something I haven’t done since the first few months after mating with Percy: I touch myself whilst thinking about him.

I had managed to not think about Percy like this since I saw him again. I was focusing on getting to know my mate and not fucking things up, but it seems that my high libido just will not be forgotten.

And I guess seeing his chest last night really did a number on my sex drive, because before then I hadn’t even thought about what it would be like to touch Percy in that kind of way. He looks so different now from how he did in the past, and it’s still taking some getting used to.

But he’s my mate, and he’s utterly gorgeous and sexy and ugh the more I think about him, the harder I get. I lock myself in my bathroom, leaning back against the wall with my eyes closed, the memories of how good he felt flittering through my mind as I stroke up and down my shaft.

I let out a grunt as I increase my speed, smoothing my thumb over the tip whilst my breathing quickens; heart rate spiking with the pleasure.

‘Emmi…’

Biting my lips to hold back a groan, I can’t stop imagining what Percy would sound like when moaning my name…I’ve heard him before; his sounds are practically imprinted in my brain, even four years later.

But he didn’t know my name. He never said my name.

And gods do I want to hear him say it when we make love for the first time in so long.

I brace myself against the wall, pleasure permeating through my veins and polluting my mind as I feel it rising inside me like a tidal wave. All it takes for me to come is imagining what my mate would look like now, this version of him, with his gorgeous legs spread for me, waiting for me.

It’s embarrassing, and I feel guilty for thinking of Percy this way, but…I can’t help it. I just sit there in silence, feeling ashamed of myself for picturing Percy in such a lewd way. I know he said he’s down to have sex, but this…this feels like I’ve somehow done something wrong.

Is this wrong?

Is it wrong to think of him like this?

To imagine him this way?

When I did things like this in the past, I didn’t feel this guilty. I think why I feel so bad now, is because I actually know Percy. I know how incredible and wonderful and amazing he is, and it feels wrong to do such things to him in my imagination.

Percy would never do something like this. He isn’t some sex-crazed horny bastard, he isn’t…he isn’t like this.

And he would hate it if he knew I came from thinking about him.